So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
time to smoke my breakfast
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
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