The maid of honor just puked.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
