Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
