Umm I'm too high to move.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
