Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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