Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
