3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
