Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
