dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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