She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
