Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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