She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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