I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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