I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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