Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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