This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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