i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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