she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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