drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Randomize
