recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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