Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
