One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
