why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
