You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
