i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
