There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
