I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
