The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize