so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Randomize
