Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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