Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
