Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
