he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
