my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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