sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
