i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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