i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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