flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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