I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
