why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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