omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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