i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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