I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i think i just lost a toe
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