no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize