She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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