My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Can Purell be used as lube?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
