Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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