I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
