I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
