I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
