Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
