Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
