Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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