I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
