In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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