i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
