I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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