I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
