I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
