somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
